My Dream of “Heaven”?

A month ago I began questioning heaven and hell. I wondered about the questions, “Why would a loving God send so many people to hell for eternity?” and “What if God’s love is so big that he lets us choose between heaven and hell even after we die?”

God’s mercy endures forever. That means forever. This deeply troubled me when thinking about people going to hell. I began leaning on the other side of things. I was ready to believe God’s love really is so big that that he lets us choose between heaven and hell even after we die. I just couldn’t grasp the idea of a loving God sending any of his own creations to eternal torment. I started bringing it up in conversations and I either convinced them of the same thing or discovered that they already believed it.

I was scared about siding with this view though because I know many Christians who literally hate other Christians who side with this view. It blew my mind that one of the most loving views of God was the most hated.

I was coming to a discipleship/internship program at a church in OrangeCounty in a couple weeks and I was especially afraid of having this view around the people there. I already knew people who were strongly against this view who I was going to be around constantly so I knew it could be an issue.

The night before I left for the program I read a quote from Demosthenes that said “Nothing is so easy as to deceive oneself; for what we wish, we readily believe.” Then I went to sleep and had a dream that changed everything.

In the dream I wanted to go to heaven/my parent’s bedroom. I knew in the dream that my parent’s bedroom symbolized heaven. I was in a hotel hallway and the door to the bedroom was a hotel door. It was about 3am and I was afraid of waking them so I kept opening the door to check inside and waiting for the right time to go in. In the dream I knew my mom had told me that I could go in and lay down if I wanted to.

I finally snuck in the pitch black bedroom and lay on the bed. My dad had left and my mom was on the phone with someone, getting ready for the day. My mom leaned on the bed and felt me with her arm and was startled. Once she realized it was me she left me alone and I fell asleep.

I woke up in the dream in the same hotel room bed I fell asleep in. I was being shaken awake by one of the women I used to go to church with. I was trying to stay asleep because I was peaceful in ‘heaven’. Staying asleep in the bed symbolized me staying in heaven. I knew that if she woke me up then I would have to really question whether I was really in heaven or not. I wanted to just stay asleep and pretend that it really was heaven.

She finally woke me up and I cried to her, “Do you know how traumatic it is to wake up not knowing if this was real or not!”

I stood up to see about seven of my friends waiting for me in the dark hotel kitchen lit by a single small kitchen light. I began crying to them saying “I don’t want to go back!” I didn’t want to admit it really wasn’t heaven because if I did then I would have to go back to Earth. I started listing all the terrible things I hated about Earth and why I didn’t want to go back to that.

They started trying to encourage me to leave by going along with pretending that it was heaven in kind of a reverse psychology way. They started saying “How else are you supposed to get other people here then? You’re still called to stay and get other people to get into heaven.”

Then they tried encouraging me by reminding me that my friends and family were supposed to buy me things before I left to the program. I told them “For me it’s not about the material though; it’s about the people!”

They said “Then you need to back then,” since they were saying I need to go back for other people and I was saying it’s about the people.

I said “But I have people here!” referring to them. “And I don’t know if heaven is even real!”

Then one friend sarcastically said “Well it obviously is since we’re having a conversation in heaven.”

That’s when I knew I couldn’t stay and live peacefully in this false heaven with the people I loved because it required pretending it was real and the people I brought didn’t believe it was real. And if they didn’t believe it was real I knew I had to face up to the truth sooner or later. Then the dream ended and I woke up.

This is how I interpreted it:

In the dream I was trying to create my own safe and personal heaven. I say safe because it was my parent’s bedroom and my parent’s bedroom represents safety. I say personal because I only had a few close friends there. If it was really heaven then everyone else (even people I didn’t know) would be there. Not even God was there.

And in my actual life I was also trying to create a safe and personal heaven; a heaven that even Hitler could get into. The people in the dream were telling me that I’m not seeing the bigger picture. I believe that’s what God was trying to tell me through the dream: I’m not seeing the bigger picture.

I do not have all the answers about heaven and hell and I still get uneasy around the people who think they do but what I do know is that my perspective is limited. For now I am fine with not having the answer. All I will be focused on now is this place. I was put here for a reason and I won’t take advantage of the time I have here by putting my energy into worrying about the afterlife.

Jesus prayed “Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”

This is what I’m interested in. This is all a part of my journey that is just beginning.

Evolving From a House-Of-Cards Like Faith


Eight months ago I began a journey of finding my own faith. I decided to forget everything I had been taught about the bible and this Jesus figure and discover the truth for myself.

Since then I have been on a journey of finding things that Christians have seem to forgotten and things that Christians have simply made up. In doing this I have learned to approach faith with an open mind and an open heart.

There are a lot of things we don’t know and our perspectives are always limited. I learned to test and question things the way Paul tells us to do in 2 Thessalonians 5:21:

Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil.

Test everything

Explore everything

Challenge it

Wrestle with it

One of the most dangerous things I’ve seen in other people is a faith like a house of cards. Take one thing out and the whole thing falls apart.

But when you begin taking out cards and seeking the truth you come across a plethora of truths such as:

Mary Magdalene wasn’t a prostitute.

The story of Jesus saying “he who has not sinned cast the first stone” was not written by John but added later by someone else.

Christians don’t consider the Book of Enoch to be a part of the canon with the other books even though Peter and Jude quoted it in their letters that we do include.

These things should not make your faith fall apart but strengthen it through clarity. I find it sad that when you bring up the possibility that the story of Jonah could be a satirical parable and not a historical event some people get defensive and claim things like “If you say that never really happened, you’re saying everything in the bible never really happened.” Yet no one has said “If you say the parable of the prodigal son never really happened, you’re saying everything in the bible never really happened!” I can talk more about Jonah another time but let’s stay on topic.

Galileo was once considered a heretic by the church for claiming that our planet revolves around the sun. The church used scriptures against him to prove his heresy. Some of the scriptures include

The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.

-Ecclesiastes 1:5

The world is firmly established, it cannot be moved…

-Psalm 96:10

He set the earth on its foundations; it can never be moved.

-Psalm 104:5

It’s interesting that they even used biblical poetry as historical facts. Nonetheless Galileo was sentenced to formal imprisonment and the following day sentenced to house arrest until the day he died. His works were banned as well as anything he would publish in the future.

In later years the church revoked their accusations. It would be pretty ridiculous to still think Galileo was wrong about heliocentrism nowadays. The church evolved. The church was presented with new information and it learned to evolve. They didn’t change scripture or attempt to change God. They changed themselves.

I’ve learned that I can never question God but I can question my understanding of God. I’ve accepted that I will never have a full grasp on God and because of that my faith will remain in a state of evolution. And I believe that is part of holding on to the good.

So this is a small portion of background of my journey so far and I plan on continuing this journey as it changes the way I think, act and love. I want to continue this journey of testing everything, holding on to what is good and staying away from every kind of evil and sharing it here along the way.